Midnight Fiction: The Golden Taint

Some of the following really happened. Some did not. The replacement refs have officially blurred the lines of reality.

11:37 pm - Russell Wilson throws an incomplete pass on third down with seconds left. Two refs throw a flag and rule it intentional grounding and announce automatic third down at the 1. In addition, Seattle is rewarded a timeout and a 10 second add on to the clock. Everyone just laughs it off and nothing is enforced.

11:39 pm - Last play of the game, Wilson scrambles and throws it towards the end zone at wide receiver Golden Tate, blanketed by four defenders. Interception, Green Bay. Game over. Seattle wins.

11:41 pm - Five post-game interviews happen on the field before the game officially ends. Somewhere, a eighteen year old kid who frequently contributes to Rich Kids Of Instagram is in a heads up fantasy league, down 0.5 points, and needs Seattle kicker Steve Hauschka to come back and kick the extra point for the win. A G6 flight to an yet to be named island is on the line. Even he hates the replacement refs.

11:42 pm - Extra point good. No flags on the field.

11:43 pm - Jonathan Vilma texts Roger Goodell a series of unrelated emoticons. Goodell takes a screenshot and adds it to the affidavit against the Saints.

11:50 pm - The front page of NFL’s homepage reads: The Golden Rule. The official NFL Facebook page posts this unrelated Golden Tate catch as their lead photo for the game. 8,000 hateful comments later, the photo is taken down.

11:52 pm - Bill Belichick interrupts his two hour long attempt to hack into Wes Welker’s Twitter account to lower his value, shuts off the lights in his office, cuts the sleeves off a new Patriots hoodie, and starts jogging towards Seattle to find a ref to shove.

11:56 pm - Aforementioned rich kid wins his matchup this week to improve to 1-2 on the season, puts in a waiver claim for Golden Tate as his G6 takes off.

12:01 am - Packers guard TJ Lang takes to Twitter and writes the following: “Got fucked by the refs.. Embarrassing. Thanks nfl. Fuck it NFL.. Fine me and use the money to pay the regular refs.”

12:07 am - Inside the Seahawks locker room, Pete Carroll gives game ball to the refs, one calls it a fumble, the other says Carroll’s knees are down.

12:15 am - The referee crew is told they’re assigned to be in Green Bay next week. A mandatory Lambeau Leap is required for each flag thrown.

12:18 am - Another text on Goodell’s phone, from G. Williams: “if you cut off the real refs, the game will die”.

12:30 am - Shy Anderson finally finishes wiping Jerry Jones’ glasses. He watches the replay with his fresh set of eyes. Still not sure what happened.

12:32 am - A bunch of porn stars watch the game and agree that even they thought that ending was hard to swallow.

12:42 am - Jay Cutler lights a Marlboro, laughs hysterically at the television.

12:52 am - In the weight room, Ed Hochuli watches the replay one last time. Stops for an extra second to check out his profile in the mirror, finishes his protein shake, and goes back to do a few more bench presses. Everything is wrong with this world.

Posted on 25 September, 2012

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